librarians - hip

stuffhipstershate:

I’m not trying to be an asshole, I have several reasons why I won’t decorate for Christmas:

1. I know you think that my tall, skinny frame and my weird, gangly arms would make me the best possible candidate for stringing Christmas lights, but I assure you that I can’t stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time.  Why?  Because all I ate today was a spoonful of hummus and 45 cups of black coffee. 

2. While I can appreciate the irony of an “Ugly Holiday Sweater” party, you will never see me goofing around in a Santa hat.  Santa Claus was created to instill greed in children as soon as they’re old enough to start articulating a wish list.  I know this because I Wikipedia’d the history of “Saint Nicolas” on my iPad that my parents bought for me last Christmas. 

3. People with big Christmas displays make me sad.  I mean, why are you trying so hard?  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?  There’s nothing more pathetic than trying at life.  I’d rather sit here with my mulled cider and look out the window wistfully.  I am so mad.  SO MAD AT THE SNOW.

4. I’m going home to my parents’ mansion in Connecticut and they decorate it really beautifully.  I can’t wait to see it!  Uh, I mean: I’M NOT GOING HOME.  I’M AN ORPHAN.  MY NAME IS OLIVER.  OLIVER TWIZT.  Hey, that would be a great DJ name. I don’t even care anymore. Whatever, bye.

Amanda Waas is a regular contributor to F’d in Park Slope.  She is also the creator of the douchey gift blog You’re Welcome.  Follow her on Twitter for more vaguely amusing commentary.

(Photo: YellowBugBoutique/Etsy)

Yes, I am going home to my parent’s mansions (two parents, two separate mansions) in Connecticut for the holidays. And yes, they do decorate, but, see photo: I will SCOWL AT ALL THE CHRISTMAS THINGS.